In her work as the Director of the Barnard Center for Toddler Development and the author of “How Toddlers Thrive,” Dr. Tovah Klein has seen plenty of questionable parenting tactics.
While perfection is not a realistic goal to aim for, Klein spoke to INSIDER about what parents should avoid saying to their kids in order to avoid hurt feelings and harmful stereotypes.
“That’s not how you do it, let me show you.”
Kids need to fail a few times in order to learn a new skill. Stepping in and doing the work for them will make them feel like they aren’t capable of doing it at all.
“It gives a clear message to the child of ‘I can’t do this, only the grown-ups know how to do it,'” said Klein. “It actually works against [building] confidence.”
“You’re just being silly.”
Kids are unpredictable, but there’s usually some method to the madness.
“Maybe they don’t want to say hello or greet somebody, and the parent goes ‘Oh you’re just being silly,’ when in fact, the child is feeling embarrassed or uncomfortable because it’s a new situation,” she said. “It takes away whatever the child is actually feeling or doing at the moment.”
Instead of shutting them down by dismissing their feelings, she recommends helping them label their emotions.
“You’re so shy.”
Labeling a personality type based on a temporary emotional state, however, isn’t helpful.
“Whether the child in general has a shy nature or not, at that moment they’re feeling uncomfortable, but it doesn’t necessarily last,” she said.
“That’s not something to cry about.”
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Telling a child to stop crying when they’re upset, even if it’s for a trivial reason (or seemingly no reason at all), embarrasses them.
“If a child is very upset, they’re upset, and what they actually need is some empathy and some help calming down,” said Klein.
“Big boys don’t cry.”
Gender stereotypes start young. For boys, this often translates into expectations of being tough and stoic by suppressing their emotions.
“The message becomes clear — don’t have feelings,” said Klein.
“Look how beautiful you are!”
Girls also receive their fair share of messages about what the world expects of them from a young age.
“‘You’re so beautiful, look how beautiful you are’ gives girls clear messages about how they’re supposed to look,” she said.
“That isn’t so pretty. It doesn’t look good on you.”
Same goes for commenting on their clothing choices.
“That gives girls clear messages about ‘I’m supposed to look a certain way,’ and that certain way is considered the standard of prettiness,” she said.
“Are you sure you want to eat that? It’s going to make you fat.”
“This is somewhat gendered, especially for girls, but it’s true for all children,” said Klein. “Particularly in our society for girls, who get so many messages about their bodies.”
Parents should also watch what they say about their own eating habits and body image. When kids hear parents worrying about getting fat or gaining weight, they adopt those concerns.
“You’re so smart.”
It might seem counter-intuitive, but telling a kid that they’re smart actually makes them less motivated.
“Saying that kind of thing to children actually can work against their striving to learn,” she said. “Learning is a series of trials and tribulations. It’s not just ‘I’m smart, I know everything.'”
“I’m so disappointed in you.”
No need to play up the guilt if a child knows they misbehaved.
“If the child already knows they’ve done something wrong or they’re already feeling badly, it riddles the child with shame,” said Klein. “Instead, try to understand what happened with the child and why something happened, and then let them know that it can’t happen again, and help them put it back together.”
